Pinocchio Paul

Pretty obvious look-alike

The Moth

LOVE The Moth. Went last night and if anyone's wondering, Jonathan Franzen sucked.

Graybeards Host Wounded Warriors

CLICK:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7ApZp4bcqQ&feature=player_embedded

Peter Tolan continued

Oh, I'm no Bill Hicks. No ripping me off.

Peter Tolan Total Bullshitter and Rescue This

Every now and then you need to repost an oldie. Just in case someone out there is deciding whether or not to do business with this honorable guy.

Burning A Hollywood Bridge or Peter Tolan is full of shit

Preface: I wrote a book about 9/11 and the people of Rockaway. I sent a copy to TV writer/producer Peter Tolan.

TEASER: A man, 40s, looks across a rickety foot bridge. Before him is a huge barrel marked "Gasoline." He grabs hold and pushes the barrel over, unleashing a flood. We can almost smell the gasoline.

He walks a few feet to the side and picks up a serious fuckin' FLAMETHROWER. He's not leaving this job to a match. He's making this bridge is burned. FLAMES.

END OF TEASER

Credits:

Written By Peter Tolan:

Dear Kevin --- Thanks again for the copy of your book. A rough subject, but well done and great, engrossing reading. …

When we talked, I think you had some questions about writing for television or something like that. I'm home now having finally finished shooting the pilot with Leary - turned out very well against all odds - so why don't you email me whatever questions you had. I have a little free time now, so I should be able to answer somewhat promptly.-Peter Tolan

By Kevin Boyle: Wow, I just caught today's headlines. There goes my affinity with Glen Campbell--- for years, people have been saying we couldn't get ourselves arrested. Anyway, here's the only question I think matters. How do I work on your show?

Written By Peter Tolan: First off, thanks for your bluntness. I rarely get people coming right out and saying what they really want, so it was refreshing. Nothing wrong with being blunt. If the show gets picked up, FX will order 12 more episodes. Here's the reality of how Denis and I work - we write everything. I do a draft, he rewrites me - he does a draft, I rewrite him - in the end, it's all us. We've tried other writers, and while we usually get some stuff from them that we can use, it turns out mostly to be us.However - what you have going for you is a wealth of material and firehouse stories. We won't be looking for 9/11 stuff - mostly for funny/wacky/sad stories from real firemen. I assume you have a whole shitload of that stuff.So stay in touch with me - I should know something right around the first of the year. If we get picked up, I'll sit down with you and we can talk about stories - that's the first step. I won't say for sure that I'll have you write a script - but if you give us something we can use, I will give you story credit, which as you know pays quite nicely. And if I read some of your writing and get the sense that you could write our show, I might assign you a script. Read the sentence again and focus on the MIGHT - I make no promises. I've been burned before by people who thought I was offering them a job - when I never did.

Boyle thinks: Fair enough. This guys sounds all right.

Written by Peter Tolan : I'm offering you an in - and the promise that you won't be taken advantage of. Ask around - people know me as an honorable guy.

Boyle thinks: Honorable guy? There's a flash image of Marlon Brando as Marc Antony saying Brutus is an honorable guy? No, no-be positive.

Written by Peter Tolan: I would never take something you gave to me and use it without compensating you - that should not be a concern. Now, if you come in and swamp us with lots of great stories - I'll be more inclined to throw you a script. But just now that's a long process that will involve Denis and I rewriting whatever you give us. That's just the way it works - especially on a show that at this point only really exists in the minds of the two guys who created it and wrote it.On the other hand - you could be a great writer with the perfect voice for this show - you'd write multiple episodes and make our lives a whole hell of a lot easier. My experience says that's a longshot - but it would be nice.So one step at a time. Start organizing your stories. And keep in touch.
Happy Thanksgiving,Peter

Boyle thinks: Ideas? Ok, there's a story to built around the lazy fireman they call Mouch. Half man, and half couch.

Written by Pete Tolan: Kevin: Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, but I had two screenplays to finish before this Friday. I made it, but I'll never be the same again.After the first of the year, I will set up a time for you to go to the Apostle (Denis's company) offices to watch the pilot. I will also have them give you a copy of the script to take at that time. I think this will be helpful - it's one thing to read a script and another to watch it performed - to get an idea of the playing style and the level of "reality" being projected.You can watch the pilot at the office - we cannot give you a copy of the tape to take with you. (Legal bullshit.) So contact me after the first of the year and we'll set it up.
Have a great holiday season.PT

Boyle thinks (This guy is honorable),

Mid January - 2004 Tolan sends Boyle an Instant Message on AOL: The show was picked up! Hope you have some fabulous ideas!

Boyle is pumped. He's got ideas ready: Tommy Gavin bolts up bed. There's screaming. Cats are outside fighting and fucking. It starts every night, driving him nuts. He throws water, pennies. He finds out that he lives next to a cat lady. He asks at the firehouse if anyone's got a BB gun. One guy is an exterminator on the side and gives Tommy a cage. He starts catching them. One after another. He's an URBAN TRAPPERHe starts a cat relocation program. Dropping them off at a park. He becomes a little crazy with it. It's like a sport. Two cats at once, a squirrel.

Somebody tells him he better spray paint them, mark them, you ever see the Incredible Journey? Thos motherfuckers come back. One day he goes out and sees the biggest fuckin cat he's ever seen - only it's not a cat.It's a raccoon. Neighbor says, those things are clever. He's on his way to the park on his way to work--- he sees a woman come running out of house and into the street. He looks up. The house is on fire. Tommy pulls to the curb. He runs into the house, yelling to call 911. He comes out carrying a kid and then turns to run back inside. The trucks and engines arrive. Tommy comes out carrying two kids. The fire is put out.

Tommy getting congratulations. The engines and truck start pull away. Somebody nods at Tommy, " "Yo, man I think someone is stealing your car." "Oh, shit." The raccoon has gotten loose, its paws clutched on the steering wheel. Tommy looks inside---his car is torn to shit. The raccoon glares at him. He doesn't know what to do.

A guy nearby is on a cell phone "Fire department? You gotta get back here." Tommy: "No!" (he knows the abuse he'll take). "Call animal control." "What? Those motherfuckers never come," the guy says as 3 unleashed pit bulls and a possum walk past.

(Still better than anything seen on Rescue Me)


January 30 ---Boyle writes, says he's got ideas and a lot of funny lines but the winter is killing him.

Written by Peter Tolan: Boyle, you cabin-fevered bastard: Thanks for checking in. Are you prepared to pitch some fabulous stories at this point? If so, I'll set up some time for you to sit down with Jim Serpico. Let me know.Peter

Boyle thinks : He is an honorable guy.
And good, thing, the good lines and story ideas keep flowing: Firefight Sean (reading a booklet in one hand, holding a chainsaw in the other): See, there's good advice in here. (reading aloud): Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand. Sean - king of the misheard and then repeated lyrics: Singing to himself:Take It Easy…Looking for a lover who won't blow my brother…Franco: Uh, Sean -that's won't blow my cover.

APRIL---Okay, the ideas and drafts of scripts are coming together BUTAwfully and suddenly quiet: Nothing from Tolan….He doesn't answer a few emails. Boyle hopes he's ok. He's an honorable guy.

Finally, Tolan writes to say the show is a headache and there are too many budget constraints. And that he's gotta get back to his film career. It's a brushoff.Boyle gets a wicked case of blue balls. Boyle writes, you never promised me anything, that is true. BUT You offered me an "in" and I feel like I never even got to bat.

Tolan writes: Catholic guilt strikes again. Call Evan Reilly and come in to the set.

Boyle meets Tolan in Harlem May 5. Tolan is charming and attentive. He apologizes for for not having Boyle pitch sooner (but the budget is so tight….) we really can't pay other writers. Tolan says they let one other guy write a script (Boyle thinks one other guy? That sounds reasonable, he's an honorable guy).

Boyle pitches the Urban trapper idea --- Tommy catching cats, etc.Tolan laughs at appropriate spots and seems interested. He tells Boyle you get it, you have the right feel for the characters and show. But he's noncommittal. He's gotta talk to Denis Leary. Boyle says he'd rather get writing credit than cash. If budget is a problem, forget that. Don't pay me, Boyle says. I just want the break. The IN. Boyle's leaving, says hello to some guys he knows on the set. Finds out he had Jim Serpico's father as a music teacher at Nazareth High School. Small world. Another good sign, he figures.Boyle gets in his car, hits a cement block in the parking lot and blows out a tire.So much for the good signs.

Next day: Written By Peter Tolan :: Dear Lord, what a mess. Sorry to hear about your hellish attempt to escape Harlem. As I guessed, I told Denis about trapping cats and he loved it. It will probably show up in a future episode in some form, and when it does I'll be sure Jim Serpico gets you suitably compensated. Keep in touch.PT

Boyle thinks IF TOLAN wanted to give him the final brush-off he could've done it right then. He could've said, Leary and Serpico weren't crazy about bringing anyone new in, etc… Tolan could've said any number of things to drop a hint. Not interested, not for us. Tolan could've said: Sorry, I thought things would've been different with this show but there are too many obstacles… or some such shit.BUT NO…he said Leary loved it and KEEP IN TOUCH.

Boyle says congrats on the premier episode Tolan says thanks. And if you want a copy of some scripts give Evan Reilly a call. Keep stockpiling ideas. Boyle is sent 3 scripts. He gets an idea to stockpile:The Chief gets a tip on a couple of races at Aquaduct. He convinces others to throw in a few hundred each. He can't place the bet with his bookie because he'll be in a meeting. He gives the phone to Tommy and hit speed-dial five minutes before the race. We win, it'll mean 6 grand a piece.They're called to a fire. In the middle of crawling through hellish heat, Tommy says what time is it? I gotta place that bet. He takes out the phone AND IT MELTS. The horse wins. The Chief and others explode in delight---until Tommy shows them the melted phone.

Written By Peter Tolan (July) Keep stockpiling your ideas - should there be a second season, I'll make sure to set you up with whoever is in charge (I have to get back to my film career and will probably not continue with the show for that one reason.)

Boyle "keeps in touch" and ---eager as he is -- doesn't want to come across like the creepy "Andrew" character who stalks the Mike character on Rescue Me.Boyle watches the shows. It's good - but it ain't out of his league. No shit: the shows could use the Boyle touch. Boyle's troubled by something - Flashback: Tolan said they let one other guy write a script. So how the hell did Stephen Belber, Michael Caleo, Robert Krausz, John Scurti, and Salvator Stabile get writing credits?The show gets renewed.

Written By Peter Tolan: Show is going well - not smoothly - but okay. Production demands and budget are bumping against each other violently, but we're making our way through. Denis and I are going to CA. next week to do some press and talk through the last three episodes.Keep stockpiling your ideas - should there be a second season, I'll make sure to set you up with whoever is in charge (I have to get back to my film career and will probably not continue with the show for that one reason.) Regards,PT

Late AugustWritten By Peter Tolan We're not yet sure when we're going to start up again, but stay in touch and we'll have you in to talk and pitch ideas whenever we get going. Do not write a spec for the show - I can guess it will probably not help. Better to stockpile ideas. Just know that Denis's character's family will be gone for most of next season (as in AWOL - Janet's taking the kids and fleeing). Keep that under your hat. PT

AND THEN NOTHING.

Peter Tolan ignores emails and a Boyle IM - he's good at making Boyle feel like the creepy Andrew character BUT what the fuck --- Peter Tolan's an accomplished writer. If he wanted to get rid of Boyle he'd write something subtle or direct enough to get the point across. INSTEAD the last thing he offered was inside info on next season's storyline and a note to keep in touch.

Boyle sends an email: Tell me to get lost but don't give me the Silent Treatment. Anything but the Silent Treatment. (He's not even my wife, and he's giving me the silent treatment? What kind of bullshit is that?! How lame).

Yeah, some say I should just drift away. But I can't. Not without saying Fuck You! My wife says I shouldn't burn bridges…see Teaser (that's what the Silent Treatmentdoes to me).

So, I don't need no stinkin Rescue Me. But occasionally, I do need to tell someone Fuck You.

Boyle's last email:

So: FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU. You honorable guy.

Sean Dance Moves

The Curse of the Dodger -- It's On Tape

THE CURSE OF THE DODGER

Hey, Dodger fans, here’s a heads up. Your team can’t win.

You see, there’s a curse on them. It may not last as long as the Curse of The Bambino and it’s not nearly as wacky as the Billy Goat curse the Chicago Cubs must endure but there’s certainly a curse on the Los Angeles Dodgers who haven't been to the World Series in more than twenty years. The only reasonable explanation for their long stretch of futility is because they had a curse put on them.

By me. And it’s on tape.

Twenty years ago my brother and I were trying to run a gin mill in Brooklyn. Which was a handful enough. We found our cook snorting lines of coke off a prep table; we had to fish a full set of teeth out of the toilet in the ladies’ room. (No one ever claimed them). We ran out of beer on St. Patrick’s Day.

On a windy day, our 25 foot sign blew right off the front of the building and sailed half a block down Third Avenue. We chased it down, this flying carpet with royal blue lettering. People on the sidewalk laughing the whole time. What a couple of maroons.

As we dragged the sign back we were met by a process server with a Cease and Desist order. Some law firm was telling us we couldn’t use the name on our sign: THE BROOKLYN DODGER.

The law firm was the muscle of the Los Angeles Dodgers and Major League Baseball. Trademark infringement, they claimed. Change the name in a week or we’re suing. We said we had done a trademark search and were within our rights to use the name. And no one could be confused about the two businesses. They were a baseball team in Los Angeles; we were a pub in Brooklyn. Tough, they said. Well, pay us to change the signs, the menu. 10 grand, we asked. Tough, they said.

We were either too young, too dumb, or had the kind of Brooklyn cajones that makes you say Up Yours before you have time to think, because we didn’t cave. We did the only thing we could do: we cried to the press. And they answered.

The New York papers slammed the Dodgers for greed and arrogance and “chutzpah.” We loved it; the Dodgers not so much. They sued.

The Today Show, CNN, and Hard Copy sent camera crews. We weren’t exactly used to prime time and our Brooklyn accents made us seem like Irish versions of the Sopranos. My brother, being made up for TV for the first time, glanced at me and said, “Looks like I’m going to McManus Funeral Home for an estimate.”

The David versus Goliath angle played well in the media. But there was the matter of the lawsuit for which we were woefully unarmed. Until we found our sling shot. Or more accurately, the sling shot found us. After reading about our plight, Ron Russo, a lawyer with a good, healthy Brooklyn accent himself, called and said he’d represent us for free. For free? Yep, he didn’t like bullies. We had our guy. We knew the odds were still against us but at least we’d go down swinging.

Interest in the case stayed strong. ABC-TV, NPR, CBS-TV and others did bits about the lawsuit. We got letters and calls from New Zealand, the Virgin Islands, and from across the U.S. urging us to fight on.

The legendary Bob Feller came to our bar and said the Dodgers were doing the "lousiest and greediest thing they could do." Bob Costas wrote a note telling us the “name belongs to youse guys.” The Brooklyn Dodger Sym-phony came and led a rally of supporters. Streams of old-timers, who were crushed when the Dodgers headed west in ‘57, came by the bar to reminisce and curse the west coast Dodgers.

We almost forgot we had to run a bar. You’d be talking to NBC's Gene Shalit one minute and cutting off Georgie Rugs the next. You’d get a call from a congressman or city official offering to help and then you’d have to separate a Yankee fan and a Met fan, nose to nose, spittle flying.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, the Dodgers were swinging at us with corked wallets. They hired investigators and put numerous lawyers on the case. They tried to bury Ron Russo with motions and suit amendments. Their strategy was clear: he’d get tired of working for free. Alas, it was another Dodger miscalculation. The lawsuit dragged on but Russo remained bulldog strong. The Dodgers raised the stakes by suing us personally. The bastards.

Finally, the trial got underway. The courtroom scene might as well have been from The Verdict with Paul Newman. At various points through the trial more than a dozen lawyers sat on their side. On ours? Ron Russo.

It was nerve-wracking. We found out it was far easier talking into the mic of Channel 2 than into the mic on a witness stand. And then we had to wait 11 excruciating months for a verdict. But it was the right verdict.

Without any sign or hint, on one fine day in April, 1993, we got the news: WE WON. We could keep the name The Brooklyn Dodger.

Drinks on the house! Balloons and confetti filled the bar and the street outside. We drank, laughed, and cried. We did interviews.

Towards closing time, I was handed a phone to do an interview with Howie Rose on WFAN radio. I don't know what came over me....maybe it was that the Los Angeles Dodgers had sued us personally, that they had abandoned Brooklyn, that their arrogance was colossal to the end... but for that one moment with Howie Rose I couldn’t help myself. I had to take one more shot.

I cast my curse on the airwaves: Howie, I'm putting a curse on them. The Dodgers will never win the World Series again!

The WFAN host exulted: It’s on tape!

So now, it's 2009 and I say Joe Torre, Joe Schmorre. The Dodgers' can't win. There's a curse on them.

***Postscript:

At the start, we asked for 10 grand to defray the cost of changing the name. It was estimated the Dodgers spent 800 THOUSAND in legal fees.

The Brooklyn Dodger Sports Bar has gone the way of Ebbets Field.

Ron Russo is still practicing law and remains a great friend.

The Dodgers have not even made a World Series appearance since they sued the bar. And the curse is on tape. The Bambino and The Goat. That’s some company.

Too many look-alikes

The one and only Turdblossom

Porn writer Kenneth Starr